My Missed

KATHA 02

My Missed

What do you call a relationship you never had but made you felt every emotion there is supposed to be in an existing one? Missed. What do you call a chance to admit feelings overwhelmed by embarrassment and made-up contentment? Missed. What do you call a time spent on wondering what-ifs and could have been? Missed. What could I call you – the person I had most laughs and cries with, considered me special and unique, and with the eyes who can speak much than what has to be said? My missed.

When a person has experienced something significant, however small or big, time will not be a hindrance to remember. We were on our senior year in high school, celebrating each day with a bang before college took fun away from us. I wasn’t the cool, popular, and friendly one but he is. We are the exact opposites of each other but surprisingly, we get along really well. A recipe for a blossoming teenage love story that undeniably ends horribly, or so I thought.

“You’re already beautiful in my eyes, but hearing you worry about me changed everything. Damn, Hannah. I can’t help falling for you.” His husky, bedroom voice in a phone call caused a triple tingle in my heart. He’s not secretive about that but not blunt either. His sudden confession will not let me sleep later tonight.

It’s those subtle, sometimes straightforward hints of adoration with no confirmation of where would this, whatever we feel, will take us. It doesn’t matter to me, and I guess to him too, that we don’t have a definite label. Maybe we’re just shy to have “that” conversation or we’re already content with each other’s company. No matter what, I am glad we are in sync.

“In another life, I will make you stay. So, I don’t have to say you were the one that got away…” Chynna’s singing loudly, jamming to her connected Spotify application from phone to the HOA’s 3-year-old speaker. Thankfully, the advertisement cut her off 12 seconds away from finishing the song. Guess free account has its perks, especially for old people that are now entering the clubhouse.

“Ugh, remind me to subscribe for the premium, Hannah.” She said, scrolling through the right playlist for our visitors as we wait for the seats to fill up.

“I always do. But you don’t really do anything about it.” I nudged her as I exchange pleasantries to some of our seniors. We’re volunteers of the Home Owners Association. I could use the weekend to take a rest of my classes but I really enjoy giving back to our small neighborhood. Besides, I had to assist my Aunt Adela, the president of the HOA.

“Why aren’t the good things in life free?!” Chynna groaned. I laughed.

As the seats were near to be fully occupied, I started preparing the presentation for today’s agenda: weekly cleaning drive. Whenever I observe our residents, I can’t help but feel warm within. We were all busy in our own lives yet somehow, we allot an hour of our day to check in with other people. It may be because this subdivision was built recently after a tragic incident but it’s crazy how a specific event could change one’s perspective of life overnight. I wish this will stay for a long time.

My eyes travelled to the back, and then there I knew, my mind could be delivering me to another made-up alternate reality where he is within my reach. The same boy with a disheveled brown hair, deep black orbs that once bore into my soul, and of the same recognizable face from afar – one that I almost daily daydream myself with. Except that this time, he’s a man with a hair long enough to be tied, of a muscular physique, and is carefully sitting a child beside him. Chynna brought me back to my senses. Aunt Adela has been calling my attention to officially start the meeting and in shock, Chynna assisted on my behalf. I went looking back at him and unlike my imagination, he’s still there.

Is he, really? Is that him? He couldn’t be but with how fast my heart is beating right now, I wish I’m not wrong.

I entered the classroom with a bright smile. We may have to endure the brain-crashing physics exam but our plan to watch the Trolls movie are worth looking forward to. They’re not his type but I pushed him because their hair looked like his, up and thick. But he didn’t go to class that day. He was absent for weeks until the school unofficially dropped him, and then our graduation came, still without him. He vanished. Without any goodbyes nor traces. He just… left.

I wanted to cry the moment he called my name. I was mentally absent the whole meeting, staring at his every movement, watching if he’ll disappear. Now, here he is, in front of me smiling. He’s breathing. It’s been fucking years and he remembered me like I am to him. There are billion things running around my head but I can’t move. I am paralyzed.

“Dada, cupcake!” I immediately acted, handing out the cupcake I baked to the child he’s with. He grabbed and ate it with the biggest bite he can. “Tenchu.”

“So, Hannah, yeah?” I looked in his eyes. He’s smiling bright to me. I can’t help but give it back. “I’m Xian, Trolls, your banana peel buddy? Do you remember me?”

I feel like I’m holding my breath for a long time that I muttered an airy, “Yeah.” You’re him. You’re really him. He remembered sharing this embarrassing experience of brushing our faces with banana peels in my belief that it’d lessen acne. Please, if this is a dream, don’t wake me up.

“We’re actually new to this village. I… Wow.” He bit his lip smiling. He looks surprised as well. “Would you… if you’re free… Can you walk us around?”

“Yes! Hannah will. Yep, she will.” Chynna interrupted, and in wide arms, motioned around the remaining cupcakes and unorganized chairs. “Leave this all to me. That girl has been working so hard, she needs a day-off.”

I don’t know if that’s a sarcasm but I’ll take that as a compliment. Chynna winked at me. I mouthed my gratitude and took it as a sign to bond with the person I lost for years.

We started walking around the subdivision in silence, well, I am silent. I couldn’t interrupt his conversation with the child pointing out every living creature he sees. They’re both adorable. There isn’t much to wander about except the children’s park near the daycare. We sat in the bench and he let the child run and play with the other kids.

“He has so much energy ever since we came here. Ah, he’s growing fast.” I smiled down at my hands. I have a feeling about the child’s identity and I guess, my gut is always right. “Sorry, I forgot to introduce you to my son.”

“How old is he?”

“Turning four next month.” He looked at peace watching his child like how he was when we were watching the sun set every Friday afternoon. “He looks just like his mother. I think he just got my surname?”

“Well, I think he also got your playfulness. Look at him start a trend in the next years to come.” He laughed a hearty one. My heart aches, in happiness and in pain, that after a long time I’ve lived and dreamt about us ended with me hanging while he has found his happy ever after. I don’t know how I look like right now, but hopefully, not a fool trying hard not to cry.

“How are you, Hannah?” Funny question, actually. I was okay, getting-by everyday wondering about his whereabouts and honestly didn’t even thought of the possibility he won’t be mine again.

“I’m now a teacher, at that daycare, yeah.” Calming my breathing, I put my hair blown by the wind behind my ears.

“Oh! Right, I remember you loved kids. We’re actually transferring Ethan there. Now my wife can rest knowing that he’ll be in good hands.” Do you also remember how you planned a family? Now, I know it was never with me. “Well, if you’re gonna ask me, I’m a house husband right now. We moved because my wife got a promotion and this is near her office.”

I didn’t imagine he’ll settle on staying home. When we were young, he has this aura of independency and strength of providing for other people. He’s not used to being treated softly. It’s nice to see him matured. I glanced at him. Seven years is long already. A lot has changed…

“Xian…” I almost bite my lip when I realized that today’s the first time that I’m calling his name and he will finally answer back. Pausing for a minute or so, I withdrew whatever it is that kept me holding back and asked him the most important thing in my mind right now. “Where were you?”

Xian sighed a relief as if he’s waiting for me to ask than he would have to bring it up. I’ve been thinking about this scenario for over a million times already, sometimes replaying those of when his answer involves regret of leaving me behind. Now that it’s happening, I don’t know what exactly do I want to hear. Probably just why, so that I could close this mystery in my life.

“Papa had an accident. He needs an operation and since we don’t have any money, I have to work. I…” My sympathy rose. His father was his only family. It must be hard for him to experience that memory alone. I wish I knew. “I forgot about everything else. I just want Papa alive. But even after the operation, he wanted to rest already. So… though hard, I have to continue.”

“I’m sorry…” For your loss, for not being there, and for thinking bad of you at times. I was selfish to think that our memories don’t mean anything. Nor our feelings were just an illusion of adolescence.

“I owe you an apology too.” Xian looked at me, in the same gesture of how he was before each time he has something to say that will make my heart go crazy, except that this time, it was sincere and unromantic. “I’m sorry for not saying goodbye.”

I returned the smile, not awkward, shy, or forced because he’s in front of me. The smile that I could make because he’s finally here and I now know why he was gone. The smile that I could make knowing he’s safe. The smile that I could make knowing that even without me, Xian’s the happiest he could ever be.

It wasn’t until Ethan went back to him, gesturing that he wants to be lifted because he’s sleepy, that we remembered of how late the time was. Xian offered to walk with me home, given that we will pass through a similar street before parting ways. I accepted, slightly curious to where he lives but stopped myself from asking. I couldn’t, definitely shouldn’t, care more than I have.

There’s a familiar feeling of walking down the road side-by-side, in a calming silence, as each light was turned on in every house we passed by. I’ve been contented with the idea of sharing an emotion without putting any label in it but now, I wondered of the difference it could make. I spent the last seven years waiting for uncertainty, allowing myself to be yours, still. No matter how we call our relationship, we’re not meant to cross the ending together.

“See you, neighbor!” Xian waved, and in the street lamp, I was left. The shock has worn off and the repressed pain started coming out. My body’s feeling lighter. I need to sit in my couch ASAP.

It’s a mystery, us, his disappearance, and a future of mine I now know will never be with him. I’m not joking when I say I tried, but my heart lived in the memories of our unfinished romance. He might turn up today, solving the question of his where-abouts then, now, and tomorrow, but I am stuck thinking I have a part in it. It bothers me, until when will I be his? If it’s not possible anymore, until when will I be his? It hurts me that this reality was long over due but for the next tomorrows, I’m still his.

Yet, I am proud of myself. I have and I’m willing to keep all questions within. As long as he’s safe and happy, I’m relieved not knowing if what we had was real. Maybe, not all closures have answered its questions. Maybe some were left just like ours and it’s enough.

Few steps away from my house, I saw Rolan standing. He’s the nurse in the neighborhood’s clinic, a good friend, and the most honest being I know. He’s looking at the night sky, a pleasant sight to see, as I try to delve in his mind. If he has said everything that he wants, thought, and felt, is his heart clear of doubt? Has time passed that he didn’t regret? Has he missed anything? Because I did, and I don’t want to miss a thing again.

“Hannah, I’ve been waiting for you.”

Rolan went to me. I don’t know what he’s thinking but we remained staring at each other’s eyes. It’s been a long day.

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This might be the longest one-shot story I’ve made so far. Romance is a genre that I don’t think I’m skilled enough to write but to be fair, I’m a beginner in writing. Still, I tried to create based on a similar experience of mine. I know that I have a lot to learn and I’d really appreciate it if you share your thoughts in the comments!

I hope you had a good read and day ahead! Slay!