STARTING AT ZERO
The idea of trying something new, no matter how exciting, causes a lot of emotional stress through overthinking. While it feels enthusiastic to imagine yourself succeeding, it only takes a kick of doubt to turn that smile down. To be honest, as I write this, I feel like I’m in a middle of a battle between actually pushing through or succumb to the anxiety of not being good enough. It took me a… probably a thousand rewrites before finishing this piece.
But when and how did I actually push myself to try?
Deciding that you will take the challenge is the first dreadful step in the process of discovering yourself.
I am turning 20 this year. As much as I love celebrating birthdays, I do not like the fact that I am getting old. As each year passes by, I feel like I am getting closer on facing responsibilities. The future feels so close yet so far. I keep on asking myself on what I want to do with my life.
Though I know that one must not rush in finding out who she is ought to be, I cannot help but wonder.
Back when I was in high school, I tried to write. I believe I have an active imagination. I have a lot of ideas, concepts, and stories in mind which I wish to bring into life. However, whenever I try to start writing, I could not finish it. I forgot about actually writing until I were given an opportunity to make a script for a friend. Though sloppy, I managed to create a decent story enough for it to be made into a film.
The thrill of making your imaginations into reality was both overwhelming and ecstatic. But unfortunately, it did not last long.
I am consistently doubting myself.
I am not satisfied with what I can produce.
I am afraid of being an embarrassment.
I know that I am far less than great among other people. It must be the top reason why I constantly stop myself from trying – because I know I am not good enough. However, the voice within me, asking what I considered the most horrible self-reflecting question ever: “What if?” keeps on bugging me. I have my doubts, yes, but do I have any idea what could happen if only I try? Do I not feel even the slightest of curiosity of what could happen with the characters of a fantasy story I had in mind? Am I not bothered with the fact that I could bring my imaginations into life?
With the endless possibilities, knowing that it can be all either negative or positive made me realize that I will not lose anything except chance.
It is then that after months of thinking on whether will I start a writing account, I have decided to try.
Acting on your decision is the second most difficult thing.
Let’s say that we have finally decided to try something new. Then, what? How will we start? It does not help that it took us a long time to give ourselves the green light then start not knowing anything at all.
I thought about creating a blog. Having no clues as to how to make my own, I searched through the “know-it-all” Internet, which lead me to various sites and videos explaining everything all that I supposed to know. Cautious of privacy and security issues, I took time to think through… again.
You see, one question has the power to make me pause and rethink again. In a way, that is helpful. The problem was I get stuck in a loop with these doubts until I chose not to answer any of it anymore.
To finally break the cycle of debating with myself, I thought of doing this with my free will, not an obligation or a guilt trip. As I assess myself on how I’m feeling during researching, I feel excited and free. It counts for something, right?
Worried, I created my blog site. Even after months of preparing, I do not feel stressed about this. I guess, it was one of the best and freeing decision I made in life – allowing myself to take a leap of faith and try.
Now, I am starting to give myself a chance.
Of course, I still do not know if I could keep up with this challenge. For the meantime, I am happy and proud that finally, I started. Oh, as I was wondering whether I will do this or not, I watched NCT Yuta’s VLIVE. He shared this quote that he read somewhere, which spoke to me in a lot of ways and wishes to become a reminder every time I want to try something new,
“Don’t be afraid of being a beginner.”
How about you? Is there something you wanted to try? Would you like to talk about it with me? You may comment down or contact me through my socials!
Hope you had a good read and day ahead!
we thought we cannot 